Hiatus

I have been in hiatus s with my blog writing...I can't explain why..but I lost the desire to write about it. It seemed like I wanted to in the beginning but that changed.

Results are in and I am still dealing with that. It's like someone come and unburied all these feelings that I had buried years ago. I'm still dealing with it. That is all I can say.

Well...time is ticking and it won't be long until we know. I can really write what I am feeling....I feel some sort of transition happening...and that seems to be all I can really say right now...so I will leave it at that.

In this time of waiting...I think about and remember things that I felt years ago. This at times is difficult...but at the same time is enlightening. It's like I am beginning to see things in a different light. A light that is revealing itself to me slowly. I think some lights are only revealed after certain steps are taken...certain lights are turned on so that you can see the dark areas a little more clearer.

I have to say that my daughter's perspective of all of this is focused. She's not one to look back and blame. She could do that, she could ask me why didn't you do this...why didn't you do that...but she doesn't. Instead, she is understanding and sees it all as something that happened for a reason. She believes it was in her path, to not have known her biological father. She too believes there are no accidents...that the life we live is mapped out... so that we may learn. I am fortunate to have a such a wise child. I am proud of her.

TGIF. I called the lab and they received everybodys DNA. I was told that we would know the results Wednesday. So this means next week at this time we all will know. I have "not" knows for so long...it will be "strange" knowing.

There are so many coincidences, that my daugther said she will see it as that the universe played a "cruel" joke on her if these results come back that he is not the father. In her eyes...it's much more romantic that her father be my First Love and I understand that. It is my desire...I'm not sure how he feels about it though...I mean...I don't know what it would be like to find out after your child is full grown, that you have a child. Does love come automatically when there is blood connection...? I guess a "type" of love can...but not the same kind of love that comes from knowing and nurturing. Only time will tell in either case.

Busy day. I talked to him today and he received the test Tue and sent it back the same day. I'm not sure what I am experiencing from all of this. But I suddenly got very sad today and cried for a while. It's like I went back in time for a while and relived some emotions.

A broken heart is a strange thing...I don't think I've ever recovered. A part of it has been missing and I've pretended all these years that it's been whole and it's like I just realized it today and cried about it.

I think we should know something by next week. I told my daughter, "Ya know...regardless of these results, ya know you never lacked a thing, you've had more love than most people that had two natural parents" she responded..."Yes, I know I have"

I also told her..."Other than just simply knowing...there may not be any other significant difference in your life"....She agreed to know that...that's a part of me, protecting her and not wanting her to fantasize about all of it, I just don't want her to be hurt.

My daughter and I are out on the town...something we need to do right now.

Today has been a productive work day. However, I haven't heard from him yet, regarding receiving his test package. I assume he's received it by now.

I have to say, all of this stirs up emotions that go way back when I left California. All the frustrations, hurt, and pain of all of it.

In the midst of this very intese stuff...I am focusing and putting any energy from that into my work...it seems not having control over some areas of my life...fuels the areas of my life that I can control...I want to take myself and my children on a well deserverd trip and have nothing but fun with them! I think we all deserve that. Hopefully we can do that soon.

I know in the end all will be ok and soon my daughter will have the answers that she wants and deserves. No matter what the end results are, simply knowing the truth will perhaps set us all free. What that means exactly, I really don't know. As soon as I know, I'll let you know. Until then, I'll just keep chipping away little by little...day by day.