Hiatus

I have been in hiatus s with my blog writing...I can't explain why..but I lost the desire to write about it. It seemed like I wanted to in the beginning but that changed.

Results are in and I am still dealing with that. It's like someone come and unburied all these feelings that I had buried years ago. I'm still dealing with it. That is all I can say.

Well...time is ticking and it won't be long until we know. I can really write what I am feeling....I feel some sort of transition happening...and that seems to be all I can really say right now...so I will leave it at that.

In this time of waiting...I think about and remember things that I felt years ago. This at times is difficult...but at the same time is enlightening. It's like I am beginning to see things in a different light. A light that is revealing itself to me slowly. I think some lights are only revealed after certain steps are taken...certain lights are turned on so that you can see the dark areas a little more clearer.

I have to say that my daughter's perspective of all of this is focused. She's not one to look back and blame. She could do that, she could ask me why didn't you do this...why didn't you do that...but she doesn't. Instead, she is understanding and sees it all as something that happened for a reason. She believes it was in her path, to not have known her biological father. She too believes there are no accidents...that the life we live is mapped out... so that we may learn. I am fortunate to have a such a wise child. I am proud of her.

TGIF. I called the lab and they received everybodys DNA. I was told that we would know the results Wednesday. So this means next week at this time we all will know. I have "not" knows for so long...it will be "strange" knowing.

There are so many coincidences, that my daugther said she will see it as that the universe played a "cruel" joke on her if these results come back that he is not the father. In her eyes...it's much more romantic that her father be my First Love and I understand that. It is my desire...I'm not sure how he feels about it though...I mean...I don't know what it would be like to find out after your child is full grown, that you have a child. Does love come automatically when there is blood connection...? I guess a "type" of love can...but not the same kind of love that comes from knowing and nurturing. Only time will tell in either case.

Busy day. I talked to him today and he received the test Tue and sent it back the same day. I'm not sure what I am experiencing from all of this. But I suddenly got very sad today and cried for a while. It's like I went back in time for a while and relived some emotions.

A broken heart is a strange thing...I don't think I've ever recovered. A part of it has been missing and I've pretended all these years that it's been whole and it's like I just realized it today and cried about it.

I think we should know something by next week. I told my daughter, "Ya know...regardless of these results, ya know you never lacked a thing, you've had more love than most people that had two natural parents" she responded..."Yes, I know I have"

I also told her..."Other than just simply knowing...there may not be any other significant difference in your life"....She agreed to know that...that's a part of me, protecting her and not wanting her to fantasize about all of it, I just don't want her to be hurt.

My daughter and I are out on the town...something we need to do right now.

Today has been a productive work day. However, I haven't heard from him yet, regarding receiving his test package. I assume he's received it by now.

I have to say, all of this stirs up emotions that go way back when I left California. All the frustrations, hurt, and pain of all of it.

In the midst of this very intese stuff...I am focusing and putting any energy from that into my work...it seems not having control over some areas of my life...fuels the areas of my life that I can control...I want to take myself and my children on a well deserverd trip and have nothing but fun with them! I think we all deserve that. Hopefully we can do that soon.

I know in the end all will be ok and soon my daughter will have the answers that she wants and deserves. No matter what the end results are, simply knowing the truth will perhaps set us all free. What that means exactly, I really don't know. As soon as I know, I'll let you know. Until then, I'll just keep chipping away little by little...day by day.

My daughter and my DNA is in transit. I find DNA very interesting. I'm not sure if he got his DNA packet yet, I haven't heard from him. Hopefully he does it right away and sends it out the same day it's received. It doesn't take but 5 mintues or so.

I have to say these companies that do these paternity testing seems to have a system that works. It's not as expensive as I thought it would be. We are doing the home testing kit.

You don't realize how things that you don't deal with corrodes over. Each layer that you remove reveals another layer. I know eventually the layers will be gone and finally the beauty underneath will finally be revealed. I do believe all things are for a reason. There are no accidents.

I want the best for my daughter and I feel, as she does, that the best thing would be that she would be my first love's daughter. Soon time will tell and whatever the outcome..it all comes back that it's for a reason and that there are no accidents.

When I dropped those DNA swabs at the post office yesterday...I drove up to the box, and held on to the envelope for a couple of extra seconds...before finally letting go...and I heard it land on the pile of other parcels in the box.

I've only spoke to him once on the phone. Two weeks ago today to be exact. Him and I have been conversing via email for over 1 1/2 years. It took us 25 years before those emails would begin..I wondered if I would ever speak to him again. I guess emails are easier than phone conversations. But I prefer the "human element" of a phone...something so serious deserves that I think...no matter how many feelings it brings to the surface...no matter how scarey it all is... it just deserves more. But I guess he is not comfortable with that and I understand that too, or I try to anyway. It's raining tonight...it will help me sleep.

Well...where do I begin? I guess I need to start with telling you I am currently in the process of doing a paternity test to determine my 25 year old daughter's father.

Today her and I just performed the swab test required from mother and child. The possible father lives in another state and should receive his test package tomorrow or Tuesday. Then he will do what we did today and then we will soon know, in a couple of weeks or so, once and for all. Then, I will finally know the answer to the burning question that has been buried deep inside of me. Who is my daughter's Father?

I know what you must be thinking...sounds like something that should be on the Jerry Springer Show. Hey, I'm not judging them or anything, who am I to do that? But it seems that those who appear on his show is a certain stereo type and I think it's that stereo type that made me stay quiet for as long as I did. Because I was ashamed of how it all looked. But time has a way of making things bubble up to the surface. So now here we are.

As her and I sat in her apartment, on Easter afternoon, sitting across from eachother, face to face, at her kitchen table, putting the swabs inside our mouth one at a time, as instructed. Two from each cheek. Thoughts were running through my mind like never before. As I am sure with her as well. It seems I've been quite emotional these days since she asked me to take this step. I had no idea all the feelings I kept buried deep inside me after all this time.

I have to say, she seems incredibly strong about all this. I'm not so sure I would be as good about it as she has. The situation was rather complicated and the man that could possibly be her father, was my first love. But we was broke up at the time, but had a hard time "letting go". So we had been together a few times. So in between times with him I had a "fling".

It wasn't something I would have usually done. I never had casual sex before. But in an attempt to get over him, this is what I did. Word of advice for those out there trying to get over somone and thinking that having a meaningless sexual relationship with someone else will help you forget someone you love. It won't! And in my case, as you can see, it complicated things.

My first love was moving on and I was forced to leave. I still loved him, and I know he loved me, or that he used to but we were young and I would move out when things didn't go the way that I wanted them. So I think he was just finally giving up on us, or scared to keep giving in only for it to be over again. So he was moving on without me now. This was very difficult for me. I tried telling him I was pregnant before leaving, and did, but his grandmother made me leave right away and we did not have the chance to talk and that was the last time I saw him. He completely has blocked this day out from his memory and doesn't recall this day, though he knows it happened because his friend told him about it.

I went back to my home state a couple thousand miles away and had this wonderful baby girl. But out of shame of not being sure of who the father was, I decided to have her on my own. It was all just too painful. It seemed the easiest thing to do at the time.

There is a lot to tell about this story and each day I will chip away at the wall that I built around this complicated siutation.

I have decided to blog about finding out who my daugher's father is and all of the feelings that go along with it. I am discussing my feelings alone. While my daughter will come up in the blog, I won't discuss her personal feelings, that is only for her to write about, but I may discuss briefly sometimes on how I preceive her to be through all of this.

So this is a blog about my feelings about this complicated situation in hopes that it may help someone, somehow. Today has been a big day and I am dealing with all the possibilities of what could be for her with this news and what we will know for certain soon. Tomorrow is a new day with new feelings to share.