Well...where do I begin? I guess I need to start with telling you I am currently in the process of doing a paternity test to determine my 25 year old daughter's father.

Today her and I just performed the swab test required from mother and child. The possible father lives in another state and should receive his test package tomorrow or Tuesday. Then he will do what we did today and then we will soon know, in a couple of weeks or so, once and for all. Then, I will finally know the answer to the burning question that has been buried deep inside of me. Who is my daughter's Father?

I know what you must be thinking...sounds like something that should be on the Jerry Springer Show. Hey, I'm not judging them or anything, who am I to do that? But it seems that those who appear on his show is a certain stereo type and I think it's that stereo type that made me stay quiet for as long as I did. Because I was ashamed of how it all looked. But time has a way of making things bubble up to the surface. So now here we are.

As her and I sat in her apartment, on Easter afternoon, sitting across from eachother, face to face, at her kitchen table, putting the swabs inside our mouth one at a time, as instructed. Two from each cheek. Thoughts were running through my mind like never before. As I am sure with her as well. It seems I've been quite emotional these days since she asked me to take this step. I had no idea all the feelings I kept buried deep inside me after all this time.

I have to say, she seems incredibly strong about all this. I'm not so sure I would be as good about it as she has. The situation was rather complicated and the man that could possibly be her father, was my first love. But we was broke up at the time, but had a hard time "letting go". So we had been together a few times. So in between times with him I had a "fling".

It wasn't something I would have usually done. I never had casual sex before. But in an attempt to get over him, this is what I did. Word of advice for those out there trying to get over somone and thinking that having a meaningless sexual relationship with someone else will help you forget someone you love. It won't! And in my case, as you can see, it complicated things.

My first love was moving on and I was forced to leave. I still loved him, and I know he loved me, or that he used to but we were young and I would move out when things didn't go the way that I wanted them. So I think he was just finally giving up on us, or scared to keep giving in only for it to be over again. So he was moving on without me now. This was very difficult for me. I tried telling him I was pregnant before leaving, and did, but his grandmother made me leave right away and we did not have the chance to talk and that was the last time I saw him. He completely has blocked this day out from his memory and doesn't recall this day, though he knows it happened because his friend told him about it.

I went back to my home state a couple thousand miles away and had this wonderful baby girl. But out of shame of not being sure of who the father was, I decided to have her on my own. It was all just too painful. It seemed the easiest thing to do at the time.

There is a lot to tell about this story and each day I will chip away at the wall that I built around this complicated siutation.

I have decided to blog about finding out who my daugher's father is and all of the feelings that go along with it. I am discussing my feelings alone. While my daughter will come up in the blog, I won't discuss her personal feelings, that is only for her to write about, but I may discuss briefly sometimes on how I preceive her to be through all of this.

So this is a blog about my feelings about this complicated situation in hopes that it may help someone, somehow. Today has been a big day and I am dealing with all the possibilities of what could be for her with this news and what we will know for certain soon. Tomorrow is a new day with new feelings to share.